Last month, I am in love with this guy. Someone I chatted over in the internet for almost 2 months, but when we meet all my dreams are shattered. This guy, who I came to know as Jo, is very deep in thinking, insightful spiritually, craving for knowledges, kind hearted, a leader and a sensitive soul. I just couldn't believe there are someone like him out there, who shares so many similar thoughts with me, and gosh this beautiful soul is the owner of this hunky exterior with handsome face. I am in cloud 9, when he felt the same for me. Truth is, it's not hard for someone to fall for me once you seen my face, my body, and get to know my intelligence and my beautiful soul. But, to have someone you are crazy about approving you, loving you in return is something one will never get over with. No matter how many people telling you how beautiful you are, how special you are, but everything is meaningless until those words are spoken by the someone special in your heart. Yes, and my heart are singing for him...everyday since I saw his picture, until the day he chat with me to the day he professed falling for me.
I could not believe myself being nervous for the first date, first date in almost a decade. Yup, I'd been in a long relationship throughout my 20s, so basically this is the first date I went to with someone I'd fallen head over heal with. My bff couldn't believe how nervous I am as I am the always composed type, always confident type. She wanted to meet this Jo so much as she claimed she never seen me as smitten before. What could I say, I am in love with my soulmate..someone who can give me heartbeat and yet having the same channel in brainiac activity and spiritual realms. The closest I been with is someone who give me heartbeat and also 50% in spiritual realm (that is my 3rd ex), but this one is almost 90% and almost 100% in brainiac interest. What can I say...I felt my destiny is coming to me.
On that fateful day, I wanted to watch a movie with him..on our first date. Seems safer to meet in such public place, as I don't really trust myself with him. God knows I might threw myself at him at the mercy of his fingertip. That is how strong my feeling was for him, like in Mariah's song "all i ever wanted" and whitney's run to you. My heart is beating non-stop, singing as well. never knew life could be so beautiful. All the sleepless night of missing him is finally over....as tonight will be the start of my wonderful life, my destiny life.
When I saw him, I couldn't believe my eyes...and I always dreamed of the first moment when i lay my eyes on him...countless fantasy of meeting him in person...my love ...the man of my dream, the face that haunting me days and nights, even when I am driving, even when I am busy at works. Until he finally admitted, that the picture is not his and that he was sorry. That he truly likes me and there goes the countless praising words throughout movie and supper later. All words fell on deaf ears, as my heart is bleeding, I am still in shock....of discovering my Jo doesn't exist, not for me, and his smiles, his dancing eyes..shining not for me. he thought I would never be-friend him ever again, but he was wrong. I was never mad, cuz in my heart, there are no place for anger...just pain and anguish..hurt and shattered to pieces...the overwhelming lost...of my JO, my love, my destiny.
This man name is James. A very successful corporate guy, earning very good income, have a few properties, even hinted I don't have to work so hard for a living. I knew, I could choose not be this independent, self-reliant woman but only one person could make me give up this solitude..and at this moment, that person is only JO, and it could never be James. Told him my heart and feeling is for JO, my heartbeat started since i saw his picture. This is me all through my life, if something caught my eyes, which is rare, then i am doomed. Until maybe the next rare episode, but how I hated this, not able to show him, my JO, the me. Not having a chance to meet him and to know him, and to ask him his name...which i m sure is not Jo. He is just a picture James cropped from Google search. Up until now, I don't even know if he is chinese, japanese, mixed, korean, thai, etc. I felt so helpless..i did searched...there are millions of pages, but i could only go up to page 44. How could I find him? with a cropped pic? This got to be the biggest joke of the century for me...loving someone i could never know. What are the chances he would bump into this page and realised i's been waiting for him? the probability is not 0, but infinity 0
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