Today awaken by my new Justin L ringtone, bad news, or maybe an expected norm but I haven't quite accepted it yet (maybe I still hope for miracle). How many time we always plan and hope and pray and wish but the outcome is completely not we wished for? Maybe if I had Aladdin lamp or Doraemon as pal could help, yeah dream on. Even though you could control your life perfectly, but definitely not able to contained a loved one's actions or bad habits. Especially this loved one is someone you could never ditch like a bf or friend. Hope one day he will finally come to his sense and have some self control, sparing everyone from misery.
Not enough of current torture, here come the drama with my bf. During dinner with he asked when will I reconcile with his mum. Telling me his mum asked what beef I had with her? How long it gonna last? Saying thing like "she is my mum". Completely ruining my dinner mood. I keep mum and don't even wanted to look at him throughout dinner. From that moment I kinda made up my mind for not getting married. When marriage will becomes a burden, I don't think any person with sanity will ever take this step. My plan is, if I never get marry, I will never have to call her mother, not compulsory to sit there and listen to her non stop nagging and cult fanaticism, and she won't have the right to just grab my future child and forve her thinking on them. maybe I am selfish but I have this strong feeling that I could not stand this character in long run, so let her some stay with me is no longer acceptable, the thought of being near her has even become almost repulsive. My bf must be outta his mind. He sees who she has become, and yet expect me to well...just ignore her words, gestures...then everything will be fine. Hello???Why would I ignore something which keep on repeating in front of me, why would I pretend to not hearing and seeing stuff, why would I blinded my eyes and block my hearing for her? Whenever she come up in our conversation, I will be furious with my bf. And to just imagine that feeling x by 5 years down the road in later years, I don't think my conscience will allow me to stay with this man and thus divorce is inevitable. So what is the point of marriage....just to burden myself with lawyer fees only. And what about child custody, what will the little one feel?? So, not being legally married could means I could walk outta the relationship anytime, and he might not have the equal right to claim our little one...good plus points.
For the past few months, we are seriously engaging in marriage talk, banquet, date,etc but I really don't think i will want to take this step. Her words still ringin in my ear.....after marriage you will be his family, no more your family.....you dead also your soul will be retained in the family, not yours family. Blek....I will be my family child no matter when or what happen! If it is so, then why would she marry another man (another family)? Didn't she already marry into the 1st family and has no more right? Didn't you just steal the only grandchild of one old lady whose dear son died and run away with another man, forbid the poor old lady seeing her grandchild? Hypocrite!! I really disrespect someone who say one thing and do another. maybe just my luck having the link to this negative character. I just dunno why bf not willing to sees her for what she really are, the ways she sided with the stepdad, blaming and causing hurt to him all those years. At first I thought I am really lucky to have ok future Mother in law, but well...as time goes by...yeah 6 years...is a pretty good time length to see someone through.
I knew he is in between us, and i do feel bad about that but I already see the problem, and why would I pretend otherwise? If I don't nip this at the bud, when it grow much much bigger then its too late. I could pretend nothing and keep smiling at her...but i really do not want to live like a hypocrite for the rest of my life....and the scenario might be within my own house. Day in day out like that...this is not the future I want. I want our home to be filled with joy and safe feeling, able to be myself, my true self and let all guard down after a hard day at work..and for my children to roam freely without worrying who might teach them fanatism teaching, etc. Hopefully he could reclaimed some of the past memories with her...so he will know what is bothering me....not needing to ask me why...and stop saying that "she is my mum" word on me again.I will smile whenever I liketo whoever I preferred, talk to whoever at whatever time I want, and stop anyone from telling me that after marriage I will no longer be my parent's daughter.
