Since last night, my heart felt so heavy and at times, painful. How weird that i am jovial and carefree up until he told me his day, and i hated myself for feeling so happy before i got the news from him. That for the past 12 hrs before, he was in pain, while i am still working happily, tending my works in office, chatting with client to finalised stuff, going yoga for 2 hrs, smiling at fellow practitioner at studio, watching a dvd while having my delicious dinner. hated myself for being so un-intrinsic, why every astrologer stated i am pyschic? I am definitely not! i jx knew he is distant while chatting at 5pm...i thought he is jx bz doing his works...but at that time, he already in pain, but I didn't know...how could i not knowing? How could one be any insensitive as me? Meanwhile still askin him about not telling the truth on his birthdate, his sun sign....sayin sagitt. might hurt cancerian with his bluntness...but it's me who is inconsiderate by saying such things when he is in such stressful and at lost.
Even though today, I m very bz and kinda lucky for gettign a last minutes order....well..things has been slow for ppl in our field (but somehow, I am jx lucky as got jobs line up for whole month already), but I am not happy, not inside. Even as I am smiling to my client, my heart is raining....the lightning inside just feel like sharp pain here and there, every now and then. Somehow, i wondered if I am a jinx....before all these while he is ok....everything is ok for him....he could hang on just fine, always positive..always stay happy. I wondered if that sunday chatting at wee hours kinda put out the worst in him for lacking sleep. So, he burst...well...an agitated person sometimes....got their emotion intensified. So, i felt so bad....i felt like its my fault. Maybe it's just me, everytimes things goes bad...or just anything not turning out right, I would blame myself..I knew I could not think this way, but my heart just felt so bad whenever ppl around me feel sad.
I am writing a very long mail to him before he broke the news, something about my past, and what exactly shape my outlook on love matter. But i decided not to send him, for there are lotsa things bothering him now, and I shouldn't be one. I really dunno how I could care so much, felt like my heart is breaking, like everything else is meaningless...when he is sad. Dear God, I never asked you much for the past 10yrs..but could you maybe help this little prawny...please mend his heart, take away his sorrows...and show him a lighted pathway to be happy again.
