Searching for John Doe

Last month, I am in love with this guy. Someone I chatted over in the internet for almost 2 months, but when we meet all my dreams are shattered. This guy, who I came to know as Jo, is very deep in thinking, insightful spiritually, craving for knowledges, kind hearted, a leader and a sensitive soul. I just couldn't believe there are someone like him out there, who shares so many similar thoughts with me, and gosh this beautiful soul is the owner of this hunky exterior with handsome face. I am in cloud 9, when he felt the same for me. Truth is, it's not hard for someone to fall for me once you seen my face, my body, and get to know my intelligence and my beautiful soul. But, to have someone you are crazy about approving you, loving you in return is something one will never get over with. No matter how many people telling you how beautiful you are, how special you are, but everything is meaningless until those words are spoken by the someone special in your heart. Yes, and my heart are singing for him...everyday since I saw his picture, until the day he chat with me to the day he professed falling for me.

I could not believe myself being nervous for the first date, first date in almost a decade. Yup, I'd been in a long relationship throughout my 20s, so basically this is the first date I went to with someone I'd fallen head over heal with. My bff couldn't believe how nervous I am as I am the always composed type, always confident type. She wanted to meet this Jo so much as she claimed she never seen me as smitten before. What could I say, I am in love with my soulmate..someone who can give me heartbeat and yet having the same channel in brainiac activity and spiritual realms. The closest I been with is someone who give me heartbeat and also 50% in spiritual realm (that is my 3rd ex), but this one is almost 90% and almost 100% in brainiac interest. What can I say...I felt my destiny is coming to me.

On that fateful day, I wanted to watch a movie with him..on our first date. Seems safer to meet in such public place, as I don't really trust myself with him. God knows I might threw myself at him at the mercy of his fingertip. That is how strong my feeling was for him, like in Mariah's song "all i ever wanted" and whitney's run to you. My heart is beating non-stop, singing as well. never knew life could be so beautiful. All the sleepless night of missing him is finally over....as tonight will be the start of my wonderful life, my destiny life.

When I saw him, I couldn't believe my eyes...and I always dreamed of the first moment when i lay my eyes on him...countless fantasy of meeting him in person...my love ...the man of my dream, the face that haunting me days and nights, even when I am driving, even when I am busy at works. Until he finally admitted, that the picture is not his and that he was sorry. That he truly likes me and there goes the countless praising words throughout movie and supper later. All words fell on deaf ears, as my heart is bleeding, I am still in shock....of discovering my Jo doesn't exist, not for me, and his smiles, his dancing eyes..shining not for me. he thought I would never be-friend him ever again, but he was wrong. I was never mad, cuz in my heart, there are no place for anger...just pain and anguish..hurt and shattered to pieces...the overwhelming lost...of my JO, my love, my destiny.

This man name is James. A very successful corporate guy, earning very good income, have a few properties, even hinted I don't have to work so hard for a living. I knew, I could choose not be this independent, self-reliant woman but only one person could make me give up this solitude..and at this moment, that person is only JO, and it could never be James. Told him my heart and feeling is for JO, my heartbeat started since i saw his picture. This is me all through my life, if something caught my eyes, which is rare, then i am doomed. Until maybe the next rare episode, but how I hated this, not able to show him, my JO, the me. Not having a chance to meet him and to know him, and to ask him his name...which i m sure is not Jo. He is just a picture James cropped from Google search. Up until now, I don't even know if he is chinese, japanese, mixed, korean, thai, etc. I felt so helpless..i did searched...there are millions of pages, but i could only go up to page 44. How could I find him? with a cropped pic? This got to be the biggest joke of the century for me...loving someone i could never know. What are the chances he would bump into this page and realised i's been waiting for him? the probability is not 0, but infinity 0

Waterlily double blooms @ May'10

This is the first bloom from this pot, and I could not believe it when it's a double. Although its size is smaller than most of my other pots, but it's special as its location is not super sunny, and it has been lay dormant for few months since I re-pot them. It's just so tranquil looking at them :)




Fishes can't seems to stay inside this shallow pot, and thus without the natural fertiliser, that is the reason they stay dormant for so long. Anyway...it has flowered...and that is what cheer me up so much on that particular day.

Actually, when I was taking this picture, there are 1 little bees nuzzing inside the petals, but when i go nearer, it kinda flew away...plan to take its pictures initially, so not successful. Maybe next time, when there are double blooms again ...

Daidomon KL @unlimited wahyu beef buffet bbq

This is the 2nd time I am here. Slightly more than rm100 per pax but with unlimited wahyu (cutting rather thick so it could not melt in ur mouth), oysters and big scallops.

Another must order is the big prawn, but still oyster&scallops much more worthier to consume than prawn meat per gram.

The buffet start at 6pm-10pm, but they mostly will say their wahyu out of stock by 8.30pm, well..to make full used of the money spent, make sure u arrive by 6-6.30pm :)

Actually, before each buffet session, I would be really excited and plan so much to eat this and that, and thinking to myself, " I am truly hungry today. I am gonna finish so much foods that the owner will be furious at me..hahaha". Well, everytime I will fail due to the volume of my stomach..so I would do calculation in my head for every item I consumed. Mentally sum up the total value of each items I gulped down, until I am satisfied with my "smartness". Then only I felt I'd accomplish something, outsmart the owner. Actually, in a way, when we are thinking while eating and chatting with friends and family, we'd burn more calories, and thus able to eat more. However, some people just couldn't know their limit...seen some bad case in JOGOYA, where women/kids just vomitted in the washroom, with horrible sound. I wonder if guys do have miscalculation too..i means to eat until you's puke..that is plain foolish. Imagine paying to get tortured liek that...definitely not in my list. So, what I do is smart and practical...still wish for a bigger volume stomach though :P

Others foods served there are the standard type, sashimi, sushi, chinese food, malaysian food, and ice-cream. Though this time, they no longer have green tea, just normal and plain vanilla/mango,etc. Ohh..when it's time to leave, you'd be surprised that ur clothing still smell like food (despite their claims that their bbq technology could absorbs the bbq smokes). Though I don't smell like hot dog meat, but I could still smell something..maybe it's my dog's nose sensitivities again!

An except of a letter to a friend- how long to date before marriage

About relationship, I don't think going steady for 5-10 yrs a problem...as long as both your  steps are the same. Say, both of you running up Mount Everest, but once you reach the top, u look around, and found out your partner already stop halfway, enjoying ice cream. U call out to him, but he couldn't hear cuz the gap is too wide, too far. Sometimes, you need time to tell if two person are really right for each other in term of physical/emotional/visions/personality. Lotsa ppl get marry soon, jx to be so unhappy later on and got stuck with responsibility and for children sake...stay on, endure on...living in bitterness. The survivor will be strong enough to get a divorce, but at what expense? Children will becomes the victim anyhow. well, that is me babbling again ...have a nice day

Someone asked me "I can' t believe u r still single"

When i got this kinda question, which is frequent, my heart is screaming such thoughts:

Just came out from a long relationship 1 yrs ago. Planning wedding stage, but suddenly, after 8 yrs together, just felt i lost the feeling..well that is what rule me in life. i dun settle just for the sake of settling, u c. been hard to come out and hurt someone so dear to you, thank god he is still willing to be my friend..well i guess cuz i am always true to him, in a way, blessing come to me naturally.




i am very capable, intelligent, kind hearted, funny and witty person. some might say i m perfectionist, but i guess i m just too real to my feeling, too in touch with my spiritual realm. To find caring man, loaded man in malaysia is not at all hard..but to find your true love, someone who could make my heart skips beat...that is something rare. Maybe u think i deserve being alone, but i aint afraid of solitude...i just afraid i could not meet HIM before my last breath on planet earth
 
Well, how i answer the perosn who ask me...smile ...and smile :)

GOT HIT BY CUPID

Oh my...what have I ever did to deserve this. A few days ago, I was happy and fine...but then since yesterday, the heartbeat get stronger (almost non-stop, very similar to the feeling i felt back in college when i drank lotsa coffee to stay awake and cramps everything into my memory for each semester's final exam), couldn't sleep, even though so luckily fall asleep but would be awaken within 2-3 hrs later, silly grins all days, most time smiles for no reason (must be nut case). Even now, in my most terrible state (slept for 2 hrs only), my mind could only think of him..and a mere thought of him send a smile into my tired face...holy shit....i m truly in deep shit (forgive my language, but this is truly how fucked up i think i am). In my 30s of life on planet earth, why must be now...when i m old/laden with responsibilities. Why couldn't let me felt this in my teen, while i still have plenty of energy to face this kinda tortures. my eyes are super heavy now, redden, but still...his haunting face occupying my mind...his laughters follows me everywhere...oh my..someone save me please 

Digging Gwyneth Herbert music

After watching "leap year" few days ago, I am stuck at this new version of Neil Young's Only Love can break your heart by this lady Herbert. Couldn't find any of her mp3 from net, but you could listen to her others works in her website....and I also fall for this Somedays i Forget. Omg...i am addicted to these 2 songs...but couldn't find download anywhere.....but they were from diffeent cd collection. Even I willing to buy, would have to buy 2 ...each with 1 song. This is really suck!