Someone asked me "I can' t believe u r still single"

When i got this kinda question, which is frequent, my heart is screaming such thoughts:

Just came out from a long relationship 1 yrs ago. Planning wedding stage, but suddenly, after 8 yrs together, just felt i lost the feeling..well that is what rule me in life. i dun settle just for the sake of settling, u c. been hard to come out and hurt someone so dear to you, thank god he is still willing to be my friend..well i guess cuz i am always true to him, in a way, blessing come to me naturally.




i am very capable, intelligent, kind hearted, funny and witty person. some might say i m perfectionist, but i guess i m just too real to my feeling, too in touch with my spiritual realm. To find caring man, loaded man in malaysia is not at all hard..but to find your true love, someone who could make my heart skips beat...that is something rare. Maybe u think i deserve being alone, but i aint afraid of solitude...i just afraid i could not meet HIM before my last breath on planet earth
 
Well, how i answer the perosn who ask me...smile ...and smile :)

GOT HIT BY CUPID

Oh my...what have I ever did to deserve this. A few days ago, I was happy and fine...but then since yesterday, the heartbeat get stronger (almost non-stop, very similar to the feeling i felt back in college when i drank lotsa coffee to stay awake and cramps everything into my memory for each semester's final exam), couldn't sleep, even though so luckily fall asleep but would be awaken within 2-3 hrs later, silly grins all days, most time smiles for no reason (must be nut case). Even now, in my most terrible state (slept for 2 hrs only), my mind could only think of him..and a mere thought of him send a smile into my tired face...holy shit....i m truly in deep shit (forgive my language, but this is truly how fucked up i think i am). In my 30s of life on planet earth, why must be now...when i m old/laden with responsibilities. Why couldn't let me felt this in my teen, while i still have plenty of energy to face this kinda tortures. my eyes are super heavy now, redden, but still...his haunting face occupying my mind...his laughters follows me everywhere...oh my..someone save me please 

Digging Gwyneth Herbert music

After watching "leap year" few days ago, I am stuck at this new version of Neil Young's Only Love can break your heart by this lady Herbert. Couldn't find any of her mp3 from net, but you could listen to her others works in her website....and I also fall for this Somedays i Forget. Omg...i am addicted to these 2 songs...but couldn't find download anywhere.....but they were from diffeent cd collection. Even I willing to buy, would have to buy 2 ...each with 1 song. This is really suck!

Pain in my heart

Since last night, my heart felt so heavy and at times, painful. How weird that i am jovial and carefree up until he told me his day, and i hated myself for feeling so happy before i got the news from him. That for the past 12 hrs before, he was in pain, while i am still working happily, tending my works in office, chatting with client to finalised stuff, going yoga for 2 hrs, smiling at fellow practitioner at studio, watching a dvd while having my delicious dinner. hated myself for being so un-intrinsic, why every astrologer stated i am pyschic? I am definitely not! i jx knew he is distant while chatting at 5pm...i thought he is jx bz doing his works...but at that time, he already in pain, but I didn't know...how could i not knowing? How could one be any insensitive as me? Meanwhile still askin him about not telling the truth on his birthdate, his sun sign....sayin sagitt. might hurt cancerian with his bluntness...but it's me who is inconsiderate by saying such things when he is in such stressful and at lost.

Even though today, I m very bz and kinda lucky for gettign a last minutes order....well..things has been slow for ppl in our field (but somehow, I am jx lucky as got jobs line up for whole month already), but I am not happy, not inside. Even as I am smiling to my client, my heart is raining....the lightning inside just feel like sharp pain here and there, every now and then. Somehow, i wondered if I am a jinx....before all these while he is ok....everything is ok for him....he could hang on just fine, always positive..always stay happy. I wondered if that sunday chatting at wee hours kinda put out the worst in him for lacking sleep. So, he burst...well...an agitated person sometimes....got their emotion intensified. So, i felt so bad....i felt like its my fault. Maybe it's just me, everytimes things goes bad...or just anything not turning out right, I would blame myself..I knew I could not think this way, but my heart just felt so bad whenever ppl around me feel sad.

I am writing a very long mail to him before he broke the news, something about my past, and what exactly shape my outlook on love matter. But i decided not to send him, for there are lotsa things bothering him now, and I shouldn't be one. I really dunno how I could care so much, felt like my heart is breaking, like everything else is meaningless...when he is sad. Dear God, I never asked you much for the past 10yrs..but could you maybe help this little prawny...please mend his heart, take away his sorrows...and show him a lighted pathway to be happy again.

Aromatic mangoes from mum

Mom bought my fav fruit today....well in office, so gotto steal 2 to savour at home tonight.also, got his mail today...appy appy. Told me he called me few days ago...but couldn't get me. Well, make me nervous...as dunno how he would sound like...gosh...dun even know if i would tremble when talking with him for the 1st time. Better finish mum soup for strength.

Re-visited Kuala Kubu

After the contractor left, I gotto go to work also. Had dim sum at Kajang (I forgotten going up Ipoh, not to JB :P), so have to go from Jln Cheras. I over ordered again, the max I could have is 1 bowl of porridge and 3 units of dum sum. But instead I get one more unit , so cannot finish and my stomach full like hell. Something truly wrong with me, i used to be the one who could eat non-stop. Old age really coming up to me now...I guess.

Well, during the brunch, a couple their mum coming in , sitting right in front of me. They kinda staring at me, well...maybe eating alone seems weird to them. i ignored them and continue my big meal, trying to force down the prawn dumpling. Then only I realised the girl bra kinda stuck out from the back, its like her top got a gap in between the blade and waistline, and there was her bra parading like its a part of the top. Well, just simply disgusting...cuz the type is not super kawaii type, its see-thru black type. Maybe she think its sexy...hmm...maybe most guy will think that is sexy too. Don't her bf/husband or her mum/in-law told her it's exposed so openly.

Still could not finish, so I left with the drink on my hand. All the way to Kuala Kubu is like normal, happily sing along with all those great newest hits from radio. Race with some nice car on the road, and also meet some retard drivers with poor handling skill. Hmm...saw some interesting thing...thought is tornado.....but gosh....is some sort of pollution smoke from open fire/factory along the way, around Rawang area. Reach site, kinda pissed at their work progress..so start to run around given command and showing my face to kinda "ON" their button. Suddenly, more and more ppl will come out outta nowhere, well.....they got many hidden spot to "curi tulang". Chased client to removed their bedding, call up Syabas personnel to open the water tank area gate, as the site on top of a slight hilly area, so crane could only reach by goin over into the gated water tank reserve area. 3 trucks gradually being out by 5pm, but this stupid girl took a long way home. Wrongly turn into Duke highway, and got stuck in mrr2 massive jam for 1hrs. Well, been raining at K.Kubu and also around Klang valley, that is why missed the signboard. So, could not make it to massage and also yoga class near my home. Since the crawl is too long and slow, I just drop-by Leisure mall as i have a big box of old clothing for charity, and also could not contract my bladder anymore, well been driving for 2.5 hrs (incl. jamming time).

After the release, thought about getting some bread story creamy puff, so while waiting for lift, saw this brochure for special 1st trial massage. So, went up 2nd floor to this ladies centre, and ushered in by an old lady, well she is the masseurs as well. God, she is good, and her hand all warm...told me she did Qi Gong, and she do Guasa for me too. This is the 1st time I try this, kinda painful on certain area only (where ur got toxin build-up). Look at the horrible outcome, but I do not feel pain now, just relaxed. She told me the bruises will go away in 2 days, well...lets start counting. I doubt it cuz i got bad circulation, that is why i got cold feet and palm. I sign on their course, so guess i would have more bruises in the future...but if it help, why not right! Just too happy that I'd found a good masseur and also the

newly opened reflexology center in Kajang (well, they are that good, very similar to the sifu whom heal my migrain decade ago). So, two of the most important healthcare concern of mine is already well taken care of. Just hope this deep red colour will fade away soon, look truly scary, like being abused by someone...haha.

Afterward, get some Deli France pastry and also the cream puff from Bread Story outlet. Munching it on the way home....I guess some drivers must be feeling envy, as though about 9.30pm...but still got some small crawl here and there. So, at most stop, I could feel their green eyes staring at me....hahhahaha...knew u guys are hungry but sorry...the leftover are for my Roc :) This Roc is so happy to have all these different pastry, well...i have almost half of each type of puff, so how "untung" is him able to savour different taste as well. I just couldn't bring myself to finish it. I'd had a big bowl of abc soup when reach home, well truly delicious as it's very thick broth as have to add lotsa veggie and chicken meat for Rocky. I guess I am ok on nutrient dept. when I gulp everything down..well almost, still could not finish the chicken bits.

I think I'd lost 3kg...so should be about 50kg now. Hope I could gain back that, not more no less.

Still no news from him, and I guess my defense mechanism started to kick-in soon.....well...to generate dislike in order to heal a let-down wound. Basically its just all in my head, nothing tangible, nothing solid....it's all my imagination, my make-believe storylines/dreamland scripts.

Jacuzzi

Been doing many house improvement lately, well or better be termed as path to complete house reno. This is because from the start, me and my ex both truly like to add personal touch around house, and also to save on bucks, so there are many area which needed works. However, with the ending of the relationship, there are lots of hardware thing I am not good at, such at drilling hole. I roughly have an idea on how to do it and of course I'd did it, but still I am not good at it, meaning maybe the bolt could be fasten nicely, perfectly, or deeply enough, as I do not have the strength to sometimes go pass the bits of hard cement (sometimes, when the contractor mixed the cement with sand, they did not mixed throughly, thus maybe got some cement bits which is truly hard as compared with mixture of sand-cement). One can see the colour so easily as you drill. The cement powder is blacken/dark grey, while the latter one is kinda light grey.

My only hardware acoomplishment after him is I'd fixed the suspension between bedroom and closet, well because I found way to fix the bolt which had dis-engage from the wall. Everyone (my ex, and many harware shop guys, renovator,etc) told me I had to close the existing hole, then re-drill a new set of hole, or change position. Well, think outta the box abit la......well..alas I did it my way, and the thing hanging nicely. Hmm...my ex also quite surprised when he visited me, found out I did this and the kitchen thingy, and also, changing the bedroom lightbulb. Well, the room ceiling is kinda high la, so i always told him i dunno how to put on.....hehe....an excuse la to be lazy...well....who dunno how to change bulb right...:P

So, today replace the broken ventilator in my master bedroom, cost me 360, well....aire gard unit 280 + labour 80. Tonight gonna clean my bathroom again, as the contractor extend the existing hole on plaster ceiling, so is a mess on the floor and wall. My previous unit much more modern, but well...the casing made of plastic, so overheat, melted la. This new one also modern look, but not as futuristic as my previous one (by cata). But this one everything is metal, so overheat would be most unlikely!

Ohh...about jacuzzi, well been ding ding dong dong in my head for this past weeks. Still thinking which type to take. The long bath type or the corner type. Now got one shaped like whale corner with waterfall feature....on promo. Initial is 13-16k, now is 8-9.5k....well this is the range which i found out after comparing few shop. This one is cool looking.....but its a 2008 model, so guess if got problem they already solved it. Also, need to get water heater tank (another 1k plus), so everything is just spending money! I keep reasoning with myself. If I go for holiday, it will be for 1-2 week ya, but if I buy this thing, I could have a mini holiday spa every now and then. Although I dunno how long I would stay in this house, but if I doesn't move out for the next 5 years, it's still worth it if you divide 10k for 5 years, it's be like rm 2k per year. Most ppl already spend this amount on gym membership, or 1-2 course of facial treatment.

Well, lets worry this later. Still got plenty of time to re-evaluate my would-be decision.